I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
