im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
