Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
