...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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