My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
