I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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