i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
