Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
