I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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