made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
