I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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