we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
