I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
