She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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