Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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