If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
