There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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