I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
