I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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