I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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