He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
