yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
