Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
