the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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