I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
