fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
nutella sex= disaster
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
