I wish my penis had an off switch
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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