I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
