Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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