ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
