What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Randomize
