I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
