:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
