she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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