It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
