I wish I only lived at night.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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