Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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