Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Randomize
