my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Mom said you looked used
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
