u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
