So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
They have beer where we have blood.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
