Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
