I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
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