If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
dude. I can hear the air.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
