Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
