I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
