somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
