i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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