I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
