my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
