Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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