why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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