I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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